The Unborn

In the lobby of the movie theater:

Manager: “Can I help you?”
Me: “What happened to the three cops you had stationed in theater 10? It’s ridiculous in there. People are screaming at each other and running through the isles.”
Manager: “Sorry about that. There’s only so much we can do. I’ll send the cops back in. Talk to me after the movie and I’ll get you some comp tickets.”

Jamie and I saw The Unborn tonight. The theater was full of Bebe’s Kids. There were three fully armed cops (vests, pistols) cursing out tweens throughout the movie. Ghettotastic. The second the officers left the theater erupted in chaos.

Got two free movie tickets out of it though!

Oh, and the movie? B-horror movie at best. Stupid premise, gratuitous cameltoe, and a poor man’s Megan Fox.

Via MovieWeb … those hanes leave no breathing room…

Don’t believe me? Compare Megan Fox with Unborn star Odette Yustman. Yep.

Via MovieWeb – Look what I can do!

The graphics in the movie weren’t bad, but the timing was so horrible that the scares had little effect. It’s like watching a surgery on Grey’s Anatomy – “Oh, that’s sort of gross. Heh. Oh look a carpet commercial…” My advice? Skip it.

And yes, Meagan Good, our favorite horror Diva is in this one too, but even Meagan can’t save this shitfest.

Via MovieWeb – “Sleazy B-Horror movie? Well, it supposed to be cold outside but let me show as much cleavage as possible. I’m an Aerie model yo…”

Filed under: crap, horror , crap, horror movie, meagan good, the unborn, unborn review

The Changeling & House

Friday I went to Mall of America and saw The Changeling, which was amazing…

More at MovieWeb

The synopsis from Movieweb:

Los Angeles, 1928: On a Saturday morning in a working-class suburb, Christine said goodbye to her son, Walter, and left for work. When she came home, she discovered he had vanished. A fruitless search ensues, and months later, a boy claiming to be the nine-year-old is returned. Dazed by the swirl of cops, reporters and her conflicted emotions, Christine allows him to stay overnight. But in her heart, she knows he is not Walter.

As she pushes authorities to keep looking, she learns that in Prohibition-era L.A., women don’t challenge the system and live to tell their story. Slandered as delusional and unfit, Christine finds an ally in activist Reverend Briegleb (Malkovich), who helps her fight the city to look for her missing boy. Based on the actual incident that rocked California’s legal system, “Changeling” tells the shocking tale of a mother’s quest to find her son, and those who won’t stop until they silence her.

A bit of a tear jerker…but compelling (to use a movie review cliché)… I also saw another movie this weekend: “House.” My advice? Skip House and go see The Changeling even if you love horror movies. Actually…the Changeling has a horror element in it…

More at MovieWeb

House has every horror movie cliché you can think of. Seriously. There’s the creepy haunted house (of course), the 1800’s style ghost family with creepy son, leaking faucets, storms, random creaks, gross food, insects, “mysterious pasts”, demon worship, random masked killer, odd editing, shrill-tense music, flooded basements, non-reflecting mirrors… oh, and devil worship…(you thought I was kidding)

After the first 20 minutes I realized that the director was cheating – if you have to resort to a distorted montage then, erm. Fail.

And (of course) we have the stock characters: The blond bombshell, who is a country singer…. and her husband, who looks like he missed the audition for Coldplay…

Via MovieWeb

 The temptress. The Meat-head… who looks like someone from that other industry…

Via MovieWeb

The shady police officer. And the creepy kid ala Ricci as Wendy…

via MovieWeb

Apparently this House contains plenty of plum eye shadow…maybe there’s a drag queen hiding in the basement?

Filed under: crap, horror, must see, thriller , angelina jolie, horror, house, movie review, the changeling

SAW V

Halloween is here, and yes, that means another installment of the SAW franchise. I watched SAW V today with a housemate at the Mall of America.

It was a typical SAW movie…you know, Hostel meets The Departed. And it’s not exactly scary… it’s basically a more gory, less-plot driven version of Thomas Harris story. It’s not a waste of money but not amazing either.

The best thing about the movie is that Meagan Good is in it.

If you want a scary movie then go see Quarantine.

Filed under: horror, thriller , horror, meagan good, movie review, saw v

Quarantine

I may be a law student, but horror movies still make me gleeful like a 13-year-old. (“WOAH! That was ballin’-outrageous!” WOO!”)

I just saw the movie “Quarantine.” It was so scary that I think it ate a little bit of my soul…

The movie is about a camera crew that is embedded with a fire rescue unit. They respond to an emergency call in an apartment building where a rabies-like virus is turning everyone into flesh eating zombies.

And they, of course, are quarantined in said building.

The result is sheer terror.

“Hm…something is amiss in this here yonder…”

The woman exiting the theater in front of me summed it up perfectly:

Random woman (on her cell): “Girl, this is the scariest movie I’ve seen in my 29 years. I started crying. Seriously. I’m not playing! I’m never going to go to sleep again!”

The movie is shot in the Cloverfield style… think Cloverfield meets 28 Days Later. This movie does everything right. We have 20 minutes of character development so we care, then an interesting cast of characters (that aren’t the typical stock characters), and then, well, horror.

And the movie exploits the audience’s anticipation of events. Half the time I was dreading something, “OH NO, THE MONSTER IS GONNA GET UP! OH NO MAM! AHHH!!” and the other half of the time the terror just happened without warning. The pacing was great. Bla, bla, blasay, blablabla… the point is: terror. AH!

Now, (perhaps appropriately) I’m at the Freighthouse Café reading Torts…

Filed under: horror, must see , horror movie, movie review, Quarantine, Quarantine movie

Hell Ride

Fine, so I let this blog sink into decrepitude. I’ll update more – but don’t expect Daniel-level hilarity from me.

The key here is brevity.

The most recent movie I saw is Hell Ride. Yes, Quentin came back with a Grindhouse follow-up.

Hell Ride is a biker gang story in this new 70’s B-movie homage/parody genre that we first saw in Grindhouse and the Devil’s Rejects.

I loved it although I spent half the time thinking about which tattoos I wanted. It’s not as funny as The Devil’s Rejects and the plot is clunky, but it’s still que badass.

Now, it’s not like a lot happens here… Hell Ride follows this format: shittalk, partyhardy, ride on road, shoot someone, shittalk, more partyhardy/corny sex scene, more riding, more shooting, etc, etc. repeat. But this is probably part of the whole B-movie parody bit. What makes the movie que badass is the attitude. It has a lot of that. Har har.

One thing that really grilled my cheese though was that the dates didn’t make sense.

What do I mean? SPOILER: Well, we have a “missing child/father/if it were only so obvious on Maury” plot, but the kid was supposedly 10 (or so) years old in 1976.

Now let’s do some math.

Our story is set in 2008.

The kid was 10 in 1976.

2008-1976 = 32 + 10 = 42.

So best case scenario this missing kid is 42 and the dad is in his mid sixties. Right? Am I missing something?

So why is the actor who plays the “missing kid” 25 at best? You know the mysterious young gunner in the Biker Gang is going to be the missing boy…this is how these things work…but it’s sort of impossible because he’s supposed to be middle aged by now. 

“Hi I’m 42.”

Unless that booze/sex/constant desert sun exposure lifestyle does wonders in preservation. Hm. Maybe we should tell Miss Taylor about this…

Filed under: horror, thriller , hell ride, movie review

The (tiresome) Strangers

I just got back from The Strangers and I’m annoyed.

Both Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman are completely impotent victims. They whimper rather than scream, and keep running back to a house that they know the killers have access to.

Speedman looks more confused than scared for the better part of the movie. Actually, he looks ill. Speedman seems to consider being terrorized the about as bothersome as a tummy ache. Maybe he could be terrified if he didn’t feel so constipated.

The Strangers

The Strangers

The Strangers

The killers are more annoying than scary. The trio is primarily concerned about vandalizing the house and banging on things. They put in the occasional spook, but there are no chase scenes. There’s a crawl scene, but it hardly seems fair.

Tyler and Speedman are so helpless that the movie grows tiresome. The phones are gone, the cars are broken, and they seem to be incapable to using weapons. If I wanted to see someone being tortured for an hour and a half I would just watch SAW like everyone else.

I know that it’s easy to say what a horror movie victim “should have done” while sitting in the cushy movie theater seat. But pfft. If this happened to me the killers would have one shot to knock me out.

Otherwise it would be on like Donkey Kong.

In fact.
Indeed.
Dot com.

I didn’t realize how country I was until I watched this movie. I would have been on the phone with the police 10 minutes into the mess, and I would certainly have taken a few of them out before the cops got there.

Liv Tyler kept asking the killers, “Why are you doing this to us?” Girl, someone just took an axe to your door! It doesn’t matter why. You can ask questions after you maim his ass.

Ugh.

The most interesting part of the movie is that Gemma Ward is actually one of the killers. Is that worth $10 though? Probably not.

Filed under: horror , gemma ward, horror, liv tyler, movie review, movies, scott speedman, the strangers, the strangers movie, the strangers movie review, thriller

Red Dragon

I finished reading the Thomas Harris novel Red Dragon last night.

I just rewatched the 2002 film adaptation.

This was the first time I’ve watched a movie after reading the novel and I was surprised by how much more is covered by the novel.

Red Dragon

Red Dragon

Red Dragon

I loved the movie when it came out, but now, eh.

Other changes include the name of the chemical processing plant, hair colors, dialogue, and locations. Guns are also favored over knives in the movie. Boom-chaka-chaka.

The movie was more of the gist of the novel than the true film-adaptation. It’s like a cover by a tribute band. A lot of random things in the movie are remnants of important character developing events in the book.

The film obviously couldn’t cover all of the subplots in the novel, but I am surprised how much richer the novel is compared to the film.

Novels are a much more powerful medium than I previously realized. Good thing I’m a writer, and not a director.

Filed under: horror , creative writing, hannibal, hannibal lecter, harris, horror, movie, movie review, plot, red dragon, review, silence of the lambs, thomas harris, writing

Not-so-Savage Island

Tonight I wasted a half-hour of my life watching Savage Island. Straight-to-video low-budget horror. I blame Blockbuster online.

Pictures. Yes, he’s asking someone to pet a dead squirrel.

Premise: a newlywed couple with a baby visit the wife’s parents, who live on a small island just east of nowhere.

The wife’s pot-smoking brother also lives on the island with the parents. The father-in-law wants to develop the island into a luxury resort. One small problem: the island is inhabited by a family (or two?) of hick squatters. These are “the savages.”

The “savages” dress like pioneers. Well, at least the parents do. The hick children dress like huns from a video game and the young adults wear modern clothes. All the savage-hicks have pretty well groomed hair, and the savage men wear fashionable stubble. Go figure.

Well the pot-smoking brother-in-law has a nasty speeding habit, and of course he accidentally hits on the of the hick-savage children.

The savage-elders come to the ranch and tell the father-in-law that they “want the baby”, the father-in-law says “hells to the nah get off my property!” and mass chaos ensues.

That’s the movie.

The scene transitions are SO bad. They are like made in windows-movie-maker bad. The scene changes involve the screen moving up or to the side, creating a “meanwhile back at the ranch” effect.

Some shots are grainy, others in black and white… and the acting… um yeah. I’m going back to Red Dragon.

Filed under: crap, horror , bad acting, bad movies, blockbuster, fail, horror, horror movie, movie review, red dragon, savage island, squirrels

Prom Night

I just saw Prom Night in the Province. Matt said it best, “They set up the scares well, but the kills are ridiculous.” There was a lot of laughing, it was a decent horror-comedy, but not memorable.

The next movie I’m excited about is The Strangers. That comes out this summer.

Filed under: crap, horror , brittnay snow, brittney snow, movie, movie review, prom, prom night